Nike Air Rift

We’ve heard these are making a comeback but, to be honest, any shoe that tries to separate – actually, get the hell over here, Vibram…

Vibram Fivefingers Elx

Admittedly we haven’t read it in a while, but we’re pretty sure that the separation of toes in footwear is covered by the Geneva Convention. They’re just creepy. If you think ‘creepy’ is an adjective that has a place in sportswear then be our guest, but don’t come crawling back to us when you’re no long allowed within 100-yards of your local swimming pool.

Reebok Ice Cream

As far as we’re concerned, the jury’s still out on Pharrell’s footwear credentials. Now sold on eBay at an astronomical mark-up, Reebok’s mid-decade collaboration with the singer and designer pal Nigo wouldn’t go down so well in the British brand’s hometown of Bolton… or anywhere really, since it looks like someone’s vacuum-packed a bouncy castle.

Adidas x Jeremy Scott ‘Totem’

A repeat offender, Scott casually lapsed into some good old fashioned cultural appropriation – yours for £250. An impressively poor rendering of the totem poles in Vancouver’s Stanley Park, this is what happens when someone goes: “Yeah, so just do like a Native American thing or something” and hands design duties to a studio intern.

Nike Roshe Run

We’re calling it: the Roshe Run is officially dead. The lifestyle runner had its moment, becoming one of the first mass-hyped mainstream sneakers of the #menswear era. But since then, the model has been tainted by the wardrobe of every tasteless meathead who went to your school and as such has totally lost its lustre. Still, even as we wince to admit it, we must concede that they are super comfortable.

Rick Owens Island Sole ‘Black Suede’

Rick Owens’ shows usually leave us baffled. This is the man who sent 69-ing models and a whole lot of peen down the runway at one point. Equally ‘WTF?’ are his cemetery-luxe shoes – mostly worn by off-duty footballers and Instagram rappers. The designer’s Island Sole sneakers have a weird cloven-hoof fetishism about them, leaving wearers looking like a mythological Greek god.