Crocs

There is no level of comfort that justifies wearing punched-through neon foam. Even when no one’s looking.

Crocs are best accessorised with a monk’s habit since they guarantee you’ll be equally celibate. We’re fairly sure that this bastard offspring of a jelly shoe and wall insulation is referenced in Revelations as a harbinger of the Rapture, so we’d advise you immediately evict any examples in your wardrobe and swap for a pair of espadrilles tout de suite, lest you end up broiling in the eternal fires of damnation. Whatever your podiatrist claims.

Try Instead: Espadrilles

Mulo Suede Espadrilles, available at Mr Porter.

Men’s Ugg Boots

Uggs are surely Australia’s retaliation for homing 160,000+ British criminals. Mankind has never needed an all-terrain slipper, yet still they infest high streets; it could be an urban legend but they say that in London, you’re never more than six feet away from an Ugg.

Fortunately, Nike‘s design department invented the sneakerboot: a less offensive but still foot-friendly way to battle winter. Sacrifice your Uggs on the pyre in thanks.

Try Instead: Sneakerboots

Nike Max 90 Sneakerboot, available at Size?

Winklepickers

Quick sartorial lesson: never wear anything named after a tool for eating molluscs.

These foot-crushers are a favorite of medieval jesters and estate agents, who are presumably issued them with the company car as a form of self-flagellation for their terrible life choices. If your job doesn’t involve demolishing people’s dreams, we’d advise sticking to round toes.

Try Instead: Round-Toed Shoes

IRRON2 Classic Leather Derby Shoes, available at Ted Baker.

Undone Biker Boots

Curse the ‘bro’ and his ability to sully the otherwise wearable. It’s a sartorial law that, six months after David Beckham spearheads something, it’s passé courtesy of a coterie of men who only update their wardrobe in response to his appearances in the Daily Mail’s sidebar of shame (oversized beanie, we hardly knew ye).