It’s overstating things just slightly to claim that it’s your watch which says the most about you, as at least one brand’s campaign has. What about, you know, your personality? Or your slogan T-shirt?

Joking aside though, you can tell a lot about a man from how he tells the time. You can buy a watch for £100 or £100,000. And your purchasing decision isn’t really driven by how accurate it is, or its myriad functions, for all of the self-justifying jargon surrounding mechanical watches in particular. (“It’s not a pretty bangle, it’s a totally manly tool…”) With a smartphone in your pocket, you technically don’t need to buy a watch at all.

Real talk: your choice of timepiece is about the aesthetic, the associations and, yes, the aspiration. It advertises how much you’re willing to invest your appearance: either thought, money, or both. You only have to look at the marketing materials of the marques to see that personality is at play. Are you a race driver or a pilot? An astronaut or a diver? This is how you’re selling yourself (consciously or otherwise) through the speaking clock on your wrist.

Ironman Or Other Sports Watch

You wear running trainers, but the trainers that you actually run in, not fashionable ones reserved ‘for best’. You carry your work clothes in a backpack that you got free with your gym membership. Your desk is surrounded by a plastic shanty town of protein shakers and assorted tupperware. You wear a heart-rate monitor under your wrinkled shirt at all times, and compression socks under your trousers. You cycle to work and view your commute as a literal rat race.

You have left an indelible impression on your colleagues – of the outline of your manhood, clearly visible through your lycra shorts.

Apple Watch

You don’t touch anything that isn’t Gorilla glass and brushed aluminium. You use Apple Music instead of Spotify, and take the recommendations. You read the entire iTunes terms and conditions once. You talk to your watch when nobody else is looking. You dream that Siri is real. You cried during the film Her, because Joaquin Phoenix and his Scarlett Johansson-voiced AI companion could never Facetime IRL.