I love Instagram. I am also terrible at posting to Instagram. 

I have #rbf to the extreme, which makes selfies basically impossible. But if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s captioning posts. Why? 

Well, besides my dry and glittering sense of humor, I also have a near-encyclopedic memory when it comes to obscure movie/TV quotes and song lyrics, and my Pinterest game is strong. 

To that end, here is a guide to the Insta captions I’ve loved, or can’t wait to use, organized by category for easy reference (and with a few of my own posts scattered throughout — full permission granted to Insta-stalk me @vamp1reslayr)

Table of Contents

#ObscureMovieQuotes

For that random picture with no story

“Rule #32: Enjoy the Little Things” — Columbus, Zombieland

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“You know I can take whatever I want.” — Kylo Ren, Star Wars: The Force Awakens

“We are nothing but light in the restless dream of a roasted pig” — What If 

#SelfCare

“Everything’s gonna be alright/ Everything’s gonna be okay/ It’s gonna be a good good life/ that’s what my therapist say” — Bebe Rexha, “I’m a Mess” 

“Call me Buffy cuz that’s what I slay like” — Post Malone ft. Nicki Minaj, “Ball For Me”

“I figured, if I’m going to be a mess, I may as well be a hot mess.” — Mindy Kaling, The Mindy Project

“Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim” — Nora Ephron

“The only thing I’m not good at is modesty — because I’m GREAT at it.” — Gina, Brooklyn Nine-Nine

“If you think I’m pretty/ You should see me in a crown”— Billie Eilish, “you should see me in a crown”

#Wanderlust

“After all, it was a great big world with lots of places to run to” — Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, “American Girl”