2. You Think You’re The Stylish One: Part 2

Furthermore, you’re convinced it’s your duty to help your friends become more like you. When they say “Matt, which of these two shirts should I wear on my date?” – you reply by disregarding both, searching through their wardrobe for something acceptable, not finding it, searching through your own for something, deciding that you like that item too much to lend to them (because they’ll just get food on it) and simply tell them they need to wear something like said item. So you’ve basically told them to go out and buy a completely new shirt an hour before their date – really helpful mate.

3. Too Many Mental Lists Of Clothes To Buy

First, you caught yourself doing it when eating lunch: “mental note, this winter I need to pick up a tweed blazer, some cords and a pair of Red Wing boots”. But now you have the ‘Top Five Blazers To Own For AW14’, ‘Colour/Pattern Socks I Need’ and a list of ‘Acceptable Clothing To Buy In Charity Shops’. You’ve got so many that you’ve started writing them down in your phone like you’re Drake writing down rhymes on a private jet. You stupid crackhead menswear junkie.

4. Spending Far Too Long In The Changing Rooms

Other people behind you are waiting to try on six items that they want to buy before they have to pay for the next hour on parking. Meanwhile, you’re in the fitting room trying on nothing but a heather grey crew neck t-shirt and have already spent twenty minutes deciding on whether it fits properly and considering what else you have in your wardrobe you could pair it with. And that parking that’s steadily edging towards the £10 mark? Well, you can’t put a price on style, can you my friend?

5. A Fridge Full Of Condiments, A Wardrobe Rammed With Clothes

If I only eat two baked potatoes a day for a fortnight then I can totally afford those burgundy tassel loafers from Gucci. I could do with losing a few pounds anyway. Plus they’re on sale so I’d be stupid not to. If I don’t shower or use my heating for the whole of winter then I can totally justify spending £500+ on a winter weight suit from Paul Smith. I never smell that much when I don’t wash anyway and I can always just layer up when it gets cold indoors. Plus it’s on sale so I’d be stupid not to. You know who else does this? Drug addicts people, drug addicts.