A Trauma Coach Discusses Breakup Haircuts and Accepting Ourselves

I’m sure everyone probably has their own opinion of the breakup haircut, a. k. a. when a relationship ends and you feel the urge to make a dramatic change in your hair cut, color or style. Is it a harmless form of reckless behavior? A desperate cry for attention? An affirmation of freedom and celebration of new life? A phenomenon that is beyond explanation? Let’s talk about it.

Recommended Video I suspect some people might view the breakup haircut as a desperate cry for attention. A plea to “notice me” without having to get into the real pain underlying the action. I think the problem with this outlook is that it reveals the pervasive sense of shame we inflict upon one another, and ourselves.

Shame Is a By-Product of Trauma

I’m a trauma-survivor-turned-trauma-informed life coach. I research, think, write, and/or teach people about trauma every single day, and I have been doing so daily for the past several years. I mention this to give you some context regarding my perspective on the breakup haircut.

A huge part of my journey of recovering from abuse has been about learning to recognize and combat shame. Shame is different from guilt. Guilt says, “I did something bad”, whereas shame says, “I am bad”. Some other ways shame can be expressed is through judgment, criticism, perfectionism and blame. We inflict shame on others, to be sure, but throughout my trauma recovery, I’ve realized how often our harmful behaviors or thoughts toward others are direct indications of the shame we feel toward ourselves. Whether our shame was given to us by an abuser or oppressor, or whether it was developed as a painful way to make sense of our mistreatment, having unhealed shame running the show can lead to a lot of projection onto others, which brings me to the breakup haircut.

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